It had happened so quickly. The panic came out of nowhere. Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My ears were ringing and my vision blurred, the trail was tilting. I wanted to tear my clothes off, I felt so constricted. I was scared to climb higher, but too scared to wind my way back down for fear that I would fall off the edge.
And I desperately wanted Mark to go away. I didn’t want to slow him down or trouble him. I wanted to be alone in my shameful state. Truly, I was ashamed. And so very scared. I thought I might die.
But he stayed with me. He took my pack and coaxed me forward.. He spoke gentle encouragement and convinced me that I was not going to die (not even close). He never left my side, despite my weak protests. And he got me to the top of the mountain. If not for him, I’d probably still be clinging to that boulder, trembling.
Life is like that. A tough time rattles you, marks you, changes you. So that if another event feels the same, your defenses begin to kick in and you’re on edge the entire time, clinging to your fear boulder. Rather than seeing the situation through, you may decide that escape is better. Either way, you are not moving forward.
For years, a favorite passage has brought peace in scary moments. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) tells us that “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I have comforted myself with that truth when confronted with terrible thoughts, fearful imaginings, or panic in the dead of night.
Even better when someone reminds me of the truth of God’s love and provision, tells me that fear has no authority in my mind, loves me through a crisis. We are to carry each other’s burdens “and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].” (Galatians 6:2, Amplified) We can bear another’s burdens – lift the pack from their back – only by getting close to them. And when we’re the one in need, we need to let others in. Open up, receive offers to help, allow friends to listen to us as we unload our fears. Only then can we hear the truth about how God’s love gives us a sound mind.
I have been back to House Mountain a few times since. The first time back, my heart raced as we neared the place of the flameout. I almost turned back, as if the trail had somehow been to blame. But once again, I was not alone. And I knew that if I could get to the top after a panic attack, I could certainly do it on a better, brighter day. The view from the top was worth the effort.
It always is.
Thoughts from My Hammock 