Flameout on House Mountain

It had happened so quickly. The panic came out of nowhere. Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My ears were ringing and my vision blurred, the trail was tilting. I wanted to tear my clothes off, I felt so constricted. I was scared to climb higher, but too scared to wind my way back down for fear that I would fall off the edge.

And I desperately wanted Mark to go away. I didn’t want to slow him down or trouble  him. I wanted to be alone in my shameful state. Truly, I was ashamed. And so very scared. I thought I might die. 

But he stayed with me. He took my pack and coaxed me forward.. He spoke gentle encouragement and convinced me that I was not going to die (not even close). He never left my side, despite my weak protests.  And he got me to the top of the mountain. If not for him, I’d probably still be clinging to that boulder, trembling. 

Life is like that. A tough time rattles you, marks you, changes you. So that if another event feels the same, your defenses begin to kick in and you’re on edge the entire time, clinging to your fear boulder. Rather than seeing the situation through, you may decide that escape is better. Either way, you are not moving forward.

For years, a favorite passage has brought peace in scary moments. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) tells us that “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I have comforted myself with that truth when confronted with terrible thoughts, fearful imaginings, or panic in the dead of night. 

Even better when someone reminds  me of the truth of God’s love and provision, tells me that fear has no authority in my mind, loves me through a crisis. We are to carry each other’s burdens “and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].” (Galatians 6:2, Amplified) We can bear another’s burdens – lift the pack from their back – only by getting close to them. And when we’re the one in need, we need to let others in. Open up, receive offers to help, allow friends to listen to us as we unload our fears. Only then can we hear the truth about how God’s love gives us a sound mind.

I have been back to House Mountain a few times since. The first time back, my heart raced as we neared the place of the flameout. I almost turned back, as if the trail had somehow been to blame. But once again, I was not alone. And I knew that if I could get to the top after a panic attack, I could certainly do it on a better, brighter day. The view from the top was worth the effort.

It always is.

Mine!

I’m like a toddler

Smaller than I realize

Weaker than I believe

And more stubborn than you would think possible.

And possessive.

It’s mine!

Doesn’t matter what we’re talking about.

Every thing.

Every relationship.

Every idea.

Every dream, hope,

Expectation

And all the fears.

Mine.

Mine!

“Child, give those to Me.”

Reluctantly

I do.

He puts most of them back into my hands

But keeps the things that are not good for me

And replaces those with something better.

It’s best to hold on loosely.

Earthquake

It will take ten years
To rebuild after the damage
Of a few minutes,
The newsman said.

That sounds about right
From what I know of shake-ups.
My world was rocked
I was shaken to the core
And all hope spilled out
Like debris on the sidewalk
Of my life.
The structure
That had once seemed so safe
So secure
Wasn’t.

And I’m still rebuilding
Using the debris to mend fences
Or build new ones.
(I’m not sure which.)
Sometimes it’s just easier
To throw a tarp over the emotion
Like a gaping hole
While I wait for another aftershock.

I suppose I should
Gather my few belongings
And move back in.
I just don’t know if I can trust
Another dwelling made by man.

I can see
The foundation is still there.
We’ll rebuild from the inside out.
It may be the only way to restoration.